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Have “a” coffee… It’s as rare as avocados…

Have “a” coffee… It’s as rare as avocados…

by Andrea

Coffee has always been an intense memory fluid in my life. I’m not sure why or how it began but I remember the smell of my grandmother’s coffee while she was cooking burnt toast in the oven which we now fancily call “Biscotti” (spoken with an English accent). The picture is as clear as a Dean Koontz novel… an old metal flat sheet, long strips of day old bread, and Grandma Liang standing at the table with a lonely cup of coffee.

I learned to accept my first lie through coffee:

If you drink coffee as a little girl you’ll start to shrink

Years later on CUT’s Facebook page apparently people of all ages drink coffee for Breakfast in Brazil. No shrinkage, imagine that! Still yet, my children don’t drink the stuff as I feel obliged to share the lie with them since it will eventually become a part of their heritage.

When I’d fix a cup of coffee for my father’s brother. I’d say, “Uncle! How many teaspoons of sugar?” He would always reply, “No sugar, because I’m already sweet.” Followed by chuckles and for some a fit of laughter once they first understood that our family surname is “Mames” pronounced: Ma’am — is … Which translates to the english word “Sweet”…

Pausing for a chuckle here…

On my first road trip across country as a married woman I decided I wanted to be the ultimate road trip partner and stay awake. We began at a gas station where I purchased this black and extremely large travel coffee mug and filled it with a highly caffeinated brew, loads or sugar, and those tiny Irish creme cups. Perfect, I thought as I covered the mug and headed to our called we proudly called the ghost. Gulp, gulp, gulp, place in the cup holder! Yea, let’s do this… 30 minutes later, Zzzzzzzz…..Caffeine fail.

Despite my strong affinity to coffee I never really liked the stuff HOT. Hot fluid was reserved for tea, when you’re sick, when you want warmth, when your belly aches, on an asian flight where green tea seems like the in thing to ask for. 

For me HOT coffee never seemed to fit the bill. It’s absolutely absurd and yet for years I attempted to enjoy the idea. Why yes sir, please serve me a hot cup of coffee because I so love the third degree burns that follow since I have a zero compulsory filter and don’t understand how to wait for the right time. After which, my tongue remains slightly burned accepting no form of taste recognition tasks assigned to it this morning.

Great way to start a diet….

And then there was the time I decided I would make hot coffee cool. Like an anti-minimalist I bought of series of “graphic” cups all with a message of insanity attached to it like:

Obviously, ^ these are affiliate links but they’re so unobtrusive and it’s an actual real piece of the story so…If you’re truly offended please read this book entitled, Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell (also an affiliate link :P) but it explains everything in detail. And if you still can’t come to terms with the idea well just tell yourself you’re part of an experiment that usually works. 

Suffice it to say, I still have the darn mugs, use it for tea… I imagine that one day I’ll make one of those Pinterest DIY Coffee shelves because again I want to feel like I’m a part of something bigger. But I digress…

There was a moment when watching the TV Show ‘Fringe’ where Etta, Peter and Olivia’s future daughter says, “I need a coffee.” I searched the entire internet for that damn coffee bean thing, since it’s just something I recalled from a Netflix binge over a year ago (memory liquid).

youtube video here although I’m not entirely sure why you’d want to watch it https://youtu.be/SyX09YyQ14A

Yes it was a FANTASTIC use of time. Firstly, I’m offended by the fact that 1pkg of this Elusive Coffee Chews contains 480 Calories and no Fiber WTH… However, the Chews are less relevant than the fact that even in the future an iteration of coffee continues to be a

  • de-stressor
  • a conversation medium
  • is acceptable to consume even when NOT HOT

In the future apparently, coffee is as rare as avocados but clearly this show is so well thought out since they amber-“ed” half the population.

The point is Coffee Matters. It might even be the greatest philosophical discussion of our lifetime. It’s a choice, a habit, and unlikely product with a cause. But why? You might think this is funny but I actually spent some time researching the origins of coffee. Alrite, I spent a little more than “some time”. Here are few key points I thought we’re interesting as to it’s truthfulness, they are internet facts so feel free to quote me…

  • First coffee is as old as dirt …
  • Internet Fact 1: A Goat herder noticed that his kid had way more energy than usual. An amped up goat consumed some coffee berries, the goat herder then consumed them too. On a coffee high the goat herder presented the berries to a monk who claimed the goat herder must be possessed. The monk then tossed said berries into a fireplace. And bam… roasted coffee Scentsy… (Source)
  • Internet Fact 2: Coffee became popular in America primarily after the Boston Tea Party. Apparently, we threw all the tea off the mainland and then said, “Shit, there’s nothing left to drink henceforth everyone must now drink coffee! ‘Tis your patriotic duty.” (Source)
  • Internet Fact 3: In 1864 The Arbuckle Brothers began industrializing coffee by selling pre-ground beans to Cowboys. The coffee was named “Ariosa” french translation: airy, aerious. This paved the way for Folgers, Maxwell House, and Hills. All common American Coffee brands (Source)

Since I can only stomach 3 Internet Facts in one sitting I’m stopping here but you get the idea. The question begs is coffee really just an accidental discovery or some quantum fate meant to help us discover our higher self.

Self Appointed Coffee Served Cold Expert Opinion Below

I use coffee for some fundamental things:

  • to stay awake
  • to feel like I understand the world
  • to highlight that I care about a conversation because I want to be awake to hear it
  • because alone it tastes like this medicinal tea on Guam called “Lodagao” which I would never drink but paired with ice cream, chocolate, biscotti, etc. it has become my favorite thing in the world
  • because I refuse to slow down and feel like my mind on steroids is a great way to promote productivity
  • because it is arguably America’s past time
  • because I’ve decided it is my memory fluid
  • just because…

There is an article by Bustle that suggests we shouldn’t even like the taste of coffee and then another that suggest people who drink black coffee are killing it in life. The next article I write will probably be entitled,

7 Reasons People Who Drink Cold Brew Coffee are Changing the World of course the reasons will be entirely made up but totally credible. But for today I’ll stop here… because well my coffee high is over, I have to eat now and pretend to be healthy.

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